I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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