and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
