3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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