I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
