One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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