I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
