Kiss
Puke
I think my vagina is haunted
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
