i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
