I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
