It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
