Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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