I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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