i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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