Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
