She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Terrible idea I love it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
