I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
