He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
