When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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