We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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