I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
