she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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