Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
