Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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