Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
