i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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