just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
