Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
