I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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