Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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