3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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