She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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