I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
