I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no, he came in my armpit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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