connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just googled if crying burns calories
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
