Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
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You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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