God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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