I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
