I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
