I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The uberlube is also flammable
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
