Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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