Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
