You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
