zippers are such a cool invention
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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