Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
