Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
