On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
