My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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