if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
