Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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