Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
