dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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