i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
