I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
