he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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