Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize