I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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