he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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