hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
