I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
